So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
