the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
