Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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