I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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