I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
