my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
