I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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