I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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