why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he told me I talked like a deaf person
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize