I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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