I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
