Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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