I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
