I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
