sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
