This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
