Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
