What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
