I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
