I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
