Are we in a gay sports bar?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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