I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
