plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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