Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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