i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
