You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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