The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
