So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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