Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
