Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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