his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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