This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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