I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
