I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my sisters under your porch take her home
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
