you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
