The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
