dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
And then he peed in my hair
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