You just made me feel so damn special
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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