So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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