my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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