Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
