I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
