I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just gift wrapped bread.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
