dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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