its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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