new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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