her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
