it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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