bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
