Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
