Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
