Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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