he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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