So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
