Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
