I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
