Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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