literally had 100 drinks last night.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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