Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
