Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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