Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
