There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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