He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
