if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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