just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
