listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You are a genius and a whore.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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