I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
